Love For Sport pt2

I just wanna get drunk.... and I really hate I been feeling that way lately. Cause ik for a fact... I hate the way drinking makes me feel emotionally and the physical aftermath. I keep asking myself, is this the postpartum depression. Am I not really as strong as I think?

Did the after birth monster get me?

What even is it? I'm lonely all the time, but I don't even really want to be around people. I feel rejected cause the people I wouldn't mind being around are unavailable, and the person I feel like I should be with majority of the time besides my children doesn't want to be around me...

I waited 12 years to have another kid. During that time I realized I wasn't the best mother and I have been working on myself to be better and every day is a new struggle. Like damn, it really was easier being a not so satisfactory mom. Sometimes I want to give in a smoke cigarettes, puff on some green, or throw back more than a few cocktails... I'd feel awful though. It would create an uncomfortable anxiety that would burst out of me. Uncontainble anger would spew from my lips and the friends I keep that sort of company with would know how unsavory I have become of the lifestyles we used to ok. This is why I'm alone... cause the days I open up to my everyday friends from before I was pregnant I am drowned in their self-inflicted woes and I know they won't hear my advice. They just want me to slip into vices with them... and I cannot.

The people who I know have my best interest at heart, when they ask me how I am, it is hard not to envelop them in my sorrow. So I just don't call often unless my mood is in the right space to stay stable. Others who I have recently reconnected with... honestly I'm afraid of disappointing them. I don't have the energy to lose anymore friends. I don't want to be rejected so I do it first. Then I feel guilty... am I doing to them what people I have tried to date do to me??? Am I ghosting the friends who love me? Reflecting the very story I prevent repeating to them through indirect action?

Why can't I just accept that this is the way things are and move accordingly? I mean I am moving, but first I had to grieve losing my old lifestyle. Where I was a great friend to people who didn't show up for me, missed out on my actual friends who did show up for me, so-so mom, substance and sex addict, and hid behind a lot of profound art projects... I had to say goodbye to a lifestyle that functioned but left out major parts of me. To be who I am learning to be now.... I wrote it on my vision board last year, but I began this transformation a few years ago. Before I met the man who woke me up, but saw right though me.

Toothbrush jesus: the momtist

Becoming beautiful and sexy without oozing sexuality first. Healing. Sober of mind. Becoming a grander mother. Securing space as legendary. Uplifting teacher in the black community. Using my superpower with words to fill the gaps. Success is Necessary.

Maybe I'm supposed to feel uncomfortable and unsure of myself. Perhaps I am dealing with postpartum depression, but at least I am aware and actively navigating through it. Family, friends, bristles... bare with me as I figure it out.

Stay tuned,

Tbj